Friday, July 23, 2021

Mellow

 I think today I'm in a state of being mellow all over again

I'm a bit dissapointed by the unimportant online respond

I also a bit sad by the fact that I did less than I expected

I feel did not accomplish anything today

It makes me feel a bit useless?

This feeling come to me back and forth

Hopefully I could give my self a pat for today

Not to overthinking about anything

But these days makes me feel tired of nothing

Feeling under-appreciate, 

There is a big hole in my heart

I hope this won't stay for long


Sunday, July 18, 2021

Drawing Again








There are many things I've done before but I think I abandone my favorite activity for a long time: Drawing things everytime my heart wants to. Drawing for all of my lifetime maybe a bit exaggerated sentence but everytime I have upside down in my life, I express it by making some sketch. 

Therefore, I always dissapointed by how I'm not trying enough to push this. I also always lack of motivation to do so. Everytime I want to do better, its feels like never enough. I feel so exhausted by my own expectation. 

I want to consider everything that I have now, what makes me feel want to contribute. Art activities never fail to give me meaning to my life. People around me also loves to give feedback whenever I draw. I think it also sincerely convey my words the best. 

There are spaces to grow of course. I will learn hard so that it can identify my role and my contribution. Hopefully it will make the world to be a bit better place for people around me. I want to share my stories through my drawings and I wish people closest to me can feel my heartfelt message~ 

I know that we cannot count our success by numbers only. But to be the first time reaching this milestone, after all of non-productive, insecure and others mentality problems I have, I really really grateful. To show my works outside my usual circle, to the totally new people, this is something that I should cherish from now on.








Oh myyy this is my first time getting so many respond 💖💖💖



I have bigger purpose and want to challenge myself more. Just to remember that I can step my feet outside my usual environment is something that I can't believe myself. 









I am amazed by how people constantly give me kind and nice messages. They are approaching me first while I am being awkward bean trying to socialized. People seems know each other for a long time and it's actually great having nice people on this side of internet. They also very welcoming. 

I am still young, there are still long path ahead. Atleast, this give back my self-confidence. 


By the way, I make this folder on new year... 


At the end of the day, I spare myself energy to make this design~



I know no one would read this but... if you happened to see this, I hope all of you in a really good state, physichally and mentally.

Love youu~



Saturday, July 10, 2021

Closest People


 

This time I will write about my closest people... 

Everyday I think about how lucky I am to meet all of these sweet people. 

It might be a bit long but I will try to write it bit by bit whenever I have time to do that.. So let's go~~


FAMILY


cont..

Wednesday, July 7, 2021

A Persona Trait Whom I Want to Spend My Life With



Recently I read a book about Pre-Marriage Talk
The book open my eyes about how complicated the preparation of marriage is. I always wonder:
Here it is me with no whatsoever experience about dating, always thinking why I there is no man interested in me??
Then I feel relieve that I don't have to face problems regarding romantic drama. My life right now so peaceful (even though of course I have anxiety about my confidence before) 

Every time people asks me about marriage and dating, even though they are just purely curious, I tend to see that as a sign that I have no capability to make people liking me as a romantic partner. I did not know why there are no people confessing to me or have curiosity to know more about me. But then, the question is: If I have one people who like me that much, am I willing to live with him? Maybe yes, or no.
I also have control of who I want to spend my rest life with. 

I tried dating apps before and somehow its really interesting. There are couple of dozen people interested in my profile, only few I chatted and nothing update after months. I ghosted them all (sorry!) because I am not really comfort of how people interact in those apps. Maybe I haven't really specified my own criteria so its really confusing for me to talk with several new people at the same time. 
I tried to adjusting back my first intention and dropped them all. 

Reading books about psychology, self-development and pre-marriage somehow brings me comfort. I confident that I can set my perspective back to zero, readjusting my own needs, have control power over my life instead of waiting for handsome prince riding white horse come to my door. I realized that I can make a plan about everything and make things work, one by one. I make the relationship between God and myself as the centre of all the matter, to remind that I have specific vision and mission, in dunya also akhirat. 
You know, its basic but for me who blinded with world matters, I am trying really hard to get myself back to point zero.  

In that book, first of all we need to make a plan with our self. To know more about our self, what is our strengths and weaknesses, our potential and our role in society. We need to make sure that we know the destination, how to get there and what we are preparing. In order to achieve that, do we need a partner for your journey? If yes, what kind of partner do you want to have to achieve your goals?

Marriage is never easy and long journey. Its not only lovey-dovey like a romcom drama. Marriage is not instant happiness nor finding legal cuddling partner. Its exhausting and lifetime learning. Spend your time with wrong people will be a nightmare. There are many stories that happened that I have to take notes but I hope I can find someone whom I really grateful to be with... 

As an ENFP, it is said that I am an extrovert who loves to show up on social life. I also loves to discuss everything with my closest people. I think I need someone who willingly listen to my mumbles. At the same time, my friend said that I also great listener. But sometimes I secretly hide my sadness and problems. I am too good hiding them all behind my smile. I want to be with someone whom I trust enough to tell my rants without judging me. Sometimes I just want them to listen. 

I jokingly said that my future partner should be a cat lover or else I will skip him. I try to imagine my life without cat. It must be boring and hell. I live my whole life with cats. It's a nightmare for me if my husband not allow me to keep one. 

Hemm what else? 
Actually I listed the criteria down and its almost filling up a whole page. The first one is he must have the same faith with me. I don't want to involve with family's drama and its better to avoid it from the start. The second one is he must be a non-smoker. My dad is a heavy smoker and I really hate him for doing that. It's not only about to smoke or not, but it's about empathy. Smoking at public space is a big turn-off. Moreover, it does not have any benefit for our health. 

I love hardworking people. Seeing him sparks when telling me something that he's good at is really attractive. Other than that, it's will be good if he have hobbies. I will appreciate it if he is expressive and communicative. I won't mind getting flooded with chat and call as long as it's not annoying hehe..

Other trait is.. it will be so much fun if he loves to read. I can recommend many books and we can discuss it in an interesting way. I will also love it if he enjoy long trips or only strolling through the nearest neighborhood. Maybe for hunting photos or eat street food?

Lol I have so much fun when imagining things. 
Atleast, appear in my dream, please!












Tuesday, July 6, 2021

Hello It's Me


Hello, it's me. 

Lately I really love to draw someone whom I admire. I imagine him in the cutest way, happily potray him and it gives me some spark of happiness. Have a lot of people loving you in a great manner, how good is that? 

That thoughts makes me wander how is it good to feel loved by many. How good is that if you have someone who loves you dearly? To the point they make you as a muse of their artwork. 

I have a dream, to be specific is to be drawn by other people whom I really close with or I love. I also want to receive flowers because I really love it. 
It's a foolish dream made by younger me. Waiting that to be happened, I think I can't wait anymore. 

People who are closest to me supposedly is myself. I just realized that by giving myself time to reflect, read and write. I don't have waiting for someone to give me happiness. I can do it right here, right now. I just need to imagine that myself is a really good person that I admire and I want to potray the best of it. 

Turned out this process is really makes me really good about myself. Is that why Frida Kahlo loves to paint her self image? Although the process a bit weird for me, I can do this in the end. I think in order to paint a good image of myself, I really endure my self-criticism. Sometimes I feel good about myself but when I remember unpleasant memories, I tend to holding back. Actually I tried to make self-paint several times, but I don't know why I don't really like the result and a lot of them just stopped in the middle of process.

It's hard to feel good about myself as I never have anyone told me openly that they like me. I questions everything as I get older. I never have anyone interest in me as romantic lover. I tried to look for the answer and of course trying hard to fit in the questionable standard. I am tired of that.

However, In the end I don't need anyone to validate my self-worth. I am enough. I am pretty good.
This energy also comes from my closest friends who are still single but tried to purchase themselves a really good house and beautiful rings without waiting anyone did it for them. 

I can also falling in love deeply with myself. 
She is really cool, love to help, also beautiful 
She is my greatest muse
I need to draw her more in the future

Monday, July 5, 2021

💔

Cintaku bertepuk

Harap yang tak ada

Rintihan nada asmara
Ingin ku kembali ke masa remaja
Serasa Galih dan Ratna
Yang kumau kau untukku, meskipun kau tak rindu
Engkau aku suka
Cintaku bertepuk
Harap yang tak ada
Rintihan nada asmara
Kau kehidupanku, meski kau tak tau ada aku di hidupmu
Yang kumau kau untukku, meskipun kau tak rindu
Engkau aku suka

Mengapa sabda alam belum jua satukan kisah?
Kita bersama


C.H.R.I.S.Y.E

I am Afraid


 

Yes I am afraid of everything happened lately

Can we really go through there safely? 

I am praying for every soul to be healthy and happy

Really....


Thursday, July 1, 2021

What If....

 Last night I have a really weird and vivid dream

I dream about my alternative life, somewhere

There are many scenes that I did not choose or almost happened in my life

Maybe if I imagine that, I can be someone different with my own self right now?


I imagine that I choose the other university that I also got accepted. Maybe I can be an independent girl who enjoy her life in that beautiful small town? Where I can speak Javanese fluently and exploring hidden gems around there... Maybe I choose to never go back to capital city ever again?

I imagine, what if I get the university acceptance letter before they announced that my scholarship granted for master degree? Maybe I can become one of those Chev alumni and become more confidence about my career? Maybe I have some int'l projects and working for global initiatives?

I imagine what if I told my feelings honestly, am I live a happy life together with him right now? Maybe I already married with someone and build my own small family? 

I imagine what if I act better with people, without ghosting them for years, could make me feel better about my self? 

I imagine what if I finish all of the things that I should did before I left... is that makes me feel good?

I imagine what if I being kind with my self... Maybe there are more skills, more activities and opportunities that I can get.. 

That dream honestly too good that its hurt.. made me think that...am I leading a wrong scenario?

Strangely I also feel so loved by many. In that dream my closest people and my partner also showering me with affectionate acts. Somehow feel unfamiliar yet so natural. 


There are things that I want to do but I was too busy thinking about people opinion

There are things that I want to finish but I always think that I am not capable enough

There are things that I want to execute but I just so scared about wasting my time

Why am I doing this as if my life right now is not good enough?


Can I leave this thoughts and moving on with my future path?

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