Life in Online Community

 It's been almost 2 years of pandemic.

My life stay in bubble of online activities

Somehow I feel isolated

Sometimes I feel like want to do something big

Sometimes I also feel so hopeless

The next day I can feel so powerful

Well, nothing easy in this pandemic era.

I am ENFP who loves to work with other people 

So I constantly want to feel connected and share with others

There are several things that I tried this year, by online~

Seri Seni always coming even though we are doing it by online~

Not a fan of online meeting, atleast we are still connected

Well, another new knowledge~

Korean Language class that last for a semester

It's been a while since I know how to read hangul, 

but its rewarding when we join the right community

and teach by the local people

너무 채미 있었어요~~

Joining series of classes about marriage preparation and psychology of marriage

In my opinion, its really important to prepare all of these things by ourself

Even though we are have not meet our fate yet, doing all of the homework 

by ourselves also a critical act. 

Book Club~~

Well its an initiative by Pider and Bebeng but I happily join because that's the time when I'm enjoying read so many books.

Yuhuuu its been a safe place for many people 

We always have a lot of stories to tell and how books can be a guide for our discussion

Hemm.. what else?

Oh yess and Tahsin Class every Sunday morning

I will take a pic in the next session.. 

Process and Progress

 Hello, Here I am come again after being a bit discourage about my future. 

I'm not disregard God's will, but I'm just a bit anxious about my plan ahead. 

I'm a bit afraid but I'm sure I'm growing to be better everyday

I try to read a lot of books, pray a lot too. Also I join some classes that I interested. 

I can't really say  that I will be success, but everyday I strive to be the best version of me.

I still a bit afraid to open social media. I feel so pressure to see people's achievement. 

I don't mean to be jealous of those people, it's just me who needs to re-adjust my self. 

I  try to be honest with my own self, about my flaws, my trauma, my lacks of social skills, 

my own way to protect my well being. 

I need to sorting everything... in order to become my own self who is brave, kind and creative. 

I am really sorry if my attitude right now hurting you. I need time for my self.

Until 87 days later to my 30 years old birthday... I want to give myself the best present.. 

Ade Amelia who is ready to open new chapter, her own adventure.

BIG 5 Personality Test

 

I take Personality Test that suggested by Atomic Habits website.

Here is the link https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits/resources

https://www.personalityassessor.com/bigfive/

I got the Openness as my strongest point~ 

Here is the descriptions

Openness

You score higher in openness than 77% of other people. That's very high. Openness is a broad, diffuse personality dimension. Because of this, researchers originally had a difficult time naming this dimension and called it many different things in the past, including intellect and culture. Openness is similar to what Maslow described as self-actualization. Presently, most researchers call this personality dimension openness to experience.

People who are high in openness tend to love art, music, and literature. They are highly creative, whimsical, and insightful. They tend to be prone to intellectual discussion and processing new ideas. As its name suggests, individuals characterized by openness love new experiences, including visiting new places, trying new food, and hearing new ideas. Because of this, open individuals tend to be a little more politically liberal. Highly open people may take more time to reflect on their thoughts and feelings, and as such, may have greater self-insight.

Always be Grateful

Going on hiatus from social media and work somehow makes me feel isolated. 

Insecurity always there to makes me feel small and unimportant.

I hate these feelings still linger in my daily life.

But then, there are many things I can be proud of while I'm being away from online media scene. 

I can be focus on my own issues, I really eager to re-learn about my own self.

I make my self to read books as much as I could.

Making book club once in two weeks, still learning traditional dance and going to teach kids on the weekend. 

I also in my way to change my own bad habit. 

I really anxious about future, as I am going 30 years old in less than 100 days

I still haven't reach anything in my life

Somehow I asks my own self why I am being like this

But then, Its God's will

The only I could do is to keep being positive, to lean all of my problems to God. 

I still learn bit by bit. 

Right now, I should be grateful for my own siuation. 

Maybe I should log off again from social media until I have my confidence back

 

Learning to Animate~

 

Dirgahayu Indonesia~

 

Hello~ Starting New~

 

I consider lots of choices right now

But right now it seems fun to learn about illustrations all over again

Also I'm getting interested in simple animated illustration

Should I go for that direction or not?

Art Style

 Since I love to explore new things again, I spend my time to draw digitally 

Almost 1 month since I learn to use drawing tablet and I find it convenient, except for its really challenging to adapt with my hand. 

I get many respond online with my new art style. They said that it suit me and they really love how I use pastel colors. 

Actually I love watercolors too. Therefore, I need to challenge myself with variety of tools to define my own identity

My Favorite Photo of My Self

 I am still learn many things about self-appreciating

This time I will share photos that taken by other people, but to think like the other people perspective:

"Why I think people in this photo attractive and it will be quite interesting to know her more"

Let's start!

I really love this photo! 

Taken candidly by my best friend while I was being a speaker about design thinking

I love how I genuinely smile without being awkward. Is this what people see when I smile? 

I just love it.

This photo taken by my fellow photographer friend while I was volunteering at an elementary school.

I wasn't supposed to teach kids but at that time we did not have enough volunteers to running all of classes and schedules. At that time I was being asked to teach sex education for kids. 

All I did when being speaker for government institution:

just doing all of comedy skit in order to make it fun! 

No, its not me singing. 

Well, it's not taken by other people. I just being with myself back then. 

Going solo to other continent and go to other city alone is my dream come true

I really really want to capture my own self there plus the beautiful scenery on my back

Mellow

 I think today I'm in a state of being mellow all over again

I'm a bit dissapointed by the unimportant online respond

I also a bit sad by the fact that I did less than I expected

I feel did not accomplish anything today

It makes me feel a bit useless?

This feeling come to me back and forth

Hopefully I could give my self a pat for today

Not to overthinking about anything

But these days makes me feel tired of nothing

Feeling under-appreciate, 

There is a big hole in my heart

I hope this won't stay for long

Drawing Again

There are many things I've done before but I think I abandone my favorite activity for a long time: Drawing things everytime my heart wants to. Drawing for all of my lifetime maybe a bit exaggerated sentence but everytime I have upside down in my life, I express it by making some sketch. 

Therefore, I always dissapointed by how I'm not trying enough to push this. I also always lack of motivation to do so. Everytime I want to do better, its feels like never enough. I feel so exhausted by my own expectation. 

I want to consider everything that I have now, what makes me feel want to contribute. Art activities never fail to give me meaning to my life. People around me also loves to give feedback whenever I draw. I think it also sincerely convey my words the best. 

There are spaces to grow of course. I will learn hard so that it can identify my role and my contribution. Hopefully it will make the world to be a bit better place for people around me. I want to share my stories through my drawings and I wish people closest to me can feel my heartfelt message~ 

I know that we cannot count our success by numbers only. But to be the first time reaching this milestone, after all of non-productive, insecure and others mentality problems I have, I really really grateful. To show my works outside my usual circle, to the totally new people, this is something that I should cherish from now on.

Oh myyy this is my first time getting so many respond 💖💖💖

I have bigger purpose and want to challenge myself more. Just to remember that I can step my feet outside my usual environment is something that I can't believe myself. 

I am amazed by how people constantly give me kind and nice messages. They are approaching me first while I am being awkward bean trying to socialized. People seems know each other for a long time and it's actually great having nice people on this side of internet. They also very welcoming. 

I am still young, there are still long path ahead. Atleast, this give back my self-confidence. 

By the way, I make this folder on new year... 

At the end of the day, I spare myself energy to make this design~

I know no one would read this but... if you happened to see this, I hope all of you in a really good state, physichally and mentally.

Love youu~

Closest People

 

This time I will write about my closest people... 

Everyday I think about how lucky I am to meet all of these sweet people. 

It might be a bit long but I will try to write it bit by bit whenever I have time to do that.. So let's go~~

FAMILY

cont..

A Persona Trait Whom I Want to Spend My Life With

Recently I read a book about Pre-Marriage Talk

The book open my eyes about how complicated the preparation of marriage is. I always wonder:

Here it is me with no whatsoever experience about dating, always thinking why I there is no man interested in me??

Then I feel relieve that I don't have to face problems regarding romantic drama. My life right now so peaceful (even though of course I have anxiety about my confidence before) 

Every time people asks me about marriage and dating, even though they are just purely curious, I tend to see that as a sign that I have no capability to make people liking me as a romantic partner. I did not know why there are no people confessing to me or have curiosity to know more about me. But then, the question is: If I have one people who like me that much, am I willing to live with him? Maybe yes, or no.

I also have control of who I want to spend my rest life with. 

I tried dating apps before and somehow its really interesting. There are couple of dozen people interested in my profile, only few I chatted and nothing update after months. I ghosted them all (sorry!) because I am not really comfort of how people interact in those apps. Maybe I haven't really specified my own criteria so its really confusing for me to talk with several new people at the same time. 

I tried to adjusting back my first intention and dropped them all. 

Reading books about psychology, self-development and pre-marriage somehow brings me comfort. I confident that I can set my perspective back to zero, readjusting my own needs, have control power over my life instead of waiting for handsome prince riding white horse come to my door. I realized that I can make a plan about everything and make things work, one by one. I make the relationship between God and myself as the centre of all the matter, to remind that I have specific vision and mission, in dunya also akhirat. 

You know, its basic but for me who blinded with world matters, I am trying really hard to get myself back to point zero.  

In that book, first of all we need to make a plan with our self. To know more about our self, what is our strengths and weaknesses, our potential and our role in society. We need to make sure that we know the destination, how to get there and what we are preparing. In order to achieve that, do we need a partner for your journey? If yes, what kind of partner do you want to have to achieve your goals?

Marriage is never easy and long journey. Its not only lovey-dovey like a romcom drama. Marriage is not instant happiness nor finding legal cuddling partner. Its exhausting and lifetime learning. Spend your time with wrong people will be a nightmare. There are many stories that happened that I have to take notes but I hope I can find someone whom I really grateful to be with... 

As an ENFP, it is said that I am an extrovert who loves to show up on social life. I also loves to discuss everything with my closest people. I think I need someone who willingly listen to my mumbles. At the same time, my friend said that I also great listener. But sometimes I secretly hide my sadness and problems. I am too good hiding them all behind my smile. I want to be with someone whom I trust enough to tell my rants without judging me. Sometimes I just want them to listen. 

I jokingly said that my future partner should be a cat lover or else I will skip him. I try to imagine my life without cat. It must be boring and hell. I live my whole life with cats. It's a nightmare for me if my husband not allow me to keep one. 

Hemm what else? 

Actually I listed the criteria down and its almost filling up a whole page. The first one is he must have the same faith with me. I don't want to involve with family's drama and its better to avoid it from the start. The second one is he must be a non-smoker. My dad is a heavy smoker and I really hate him for doing that. It's not only about to smoke or not, but it's about empathy. Smoking at public space is a big turn-off. Moreover, it does not have any benefit for our health. 

I love hardworking people. Seeing him sparks when telling me something that he's good at is really attractive. Other than that, it's will be good if he have hobbies. I will appreciate it if he is expressive and communicative. I won't mind getting flooded with chat and call as long as it's not annoying hehe..

Other trait is.. it will be so much fun if he loves to read. I can recommend many books and we can discuss it in an interesting way. I will also love it if he enjoy long trips or only strolling through the nearest neighborhood. Maybe for hunting photos or eat street food?

Lol I have so much fun when imagining things. 

Atleast, appear in my dream, please!