My Usual Day at 14th February

Today is 14th February 2025

Nothing happen, just strolling the usual day on my own. Finishing deadline of a grants program and other application awaits. I have no one with me, sitting by myself at the local library. I have no expectation either about this day. 

I am starting to doubt my confidence. A woman in her 33rd, looking for a decent job and trying to get her luck on making initiatives. Still struggling to keep her idealism and her believe on love. 

I have been almost 15 years writing in this blog. Numerous time I wrote about my feelings, my hope, my expectation in the future. Yet I feel that I am soooo slow in understanding and expressing love. 

People said love will come in a right time, right place, right person. I am believing this too much and put a laid back attitude. Making myself busy, trying on everything, solo travelling checked, living abroad checked, getting another degree checked. 

I feel young, but at the same time feeling that my days ahead will never get younger ever again. This thought making me feel older. 

I don't want to stay in place, but get a decent saving and buy/rent housing on my own is another struggle. F*ck my life that I am living in a country where the government is not caring at all giving the best quality life of their citizen. 

I do not feel frustated *yet* but the pressure is here. Buying books about love, joining pre-marriage courses, attending family and psychology class. I did it all as if I am the dumbest person in the world when it comes to love and relationship subject. 

All the love songs and lyrics that I digest every night feels so out of context now. Even though I have some scenes in my life that made me feels butterflies in my stomach, I still feel that memories is too shallow to be called as romance, as there was no clarity, no confession, and just flings with no direction and vision.

I do try some online dating apps, the process I could say.. exhausting? I need more filters before I could talk with new people and without that I feels like I want to do everything else except replying stranger's messages.

Then... while I am contemplating this phenomenon myself... I need to answer the biggest question:

What is my vision in this dunya and akhirat? 

What kind of life partner whom I need to meet my vision?

This world is too short compared to akhirat, why I rush myself just to find the right one? While I still swing left and right about my knowledge in my faith, I should try harder to learn more and use my energy to be prepare for it.