Hello, this is me again
Now I am back to Ade Amelia -
but who is Ade Amelia?
I have contemplated on my life during my 29 years old and I need readjusting.
I am afraid to face myself in the next year because I have so many expectations about my self back then.
However, I think I grow quite a lot. There are many things I have tried. Some of them are successful, lot of them are also dull moments. But I think my life will be quite boring if I led the life just always like the way I want. I need to going back and forth between my expectations and reality.
As I thinking of my past, I think I was quite naive. I was living as model student who trapped in a specific system to be counted as successful. I study hard only to get specific number. Even though for some of the context its quite important, but I also forget some of the important thing. I forget to reflect on my self. I also easily saying yes to people's expectations. I hardly refuse and don't even know which one suit my personality. I am (hopefully was?) people pleaser. I really love to fulfilling people expectation about me. To the point I forget how to become my self, to defend my self and listen to my self.
My diaries in the past years full of negative though. I even rarely write something here, because I wrote that on the black diary that I wish to close forever. I was afraid of conflicts, I was afraid of how people will look at me. I was afraid of my own image to the extent I need to pull of some act. All of my past actions are sincere but I think sometimes I confused myself with certain image. Yet, I haven't feels like my sincerity get enough appreciation.
I still have some of those expectations. But right now, after I try to release my thoughts one by one, I feels like there are things that I want to re-learn all over again. I want to learn about my self all over again. I want to know what I love to do in my spare time. I want to know what makes me scared. I want to know what kind of people I love to be close with? I also eager to know what makes me motivated to do everything. I want to know what makes my heart beat of excitement. I want to know what makes my stomach full of butterflies. What kind of moment that makes my eyes sparkles.
I never been this clueless about my self,
yet all of this time I think I really know all about me?
I want to know more about my self. I want to know what makes Ade Amelia, her real self?
I know that might be a long life journey,
but who knows, this kind of perspective makes my future expand to something that In never expect before.
Surprise me, Ade Amelia.
Surprise me with all of your sincerity.
I know you are hard-working and lovely person. Those combination will make the most of your life. Just don't be burdened by timeline and expectation. Just do what you think right as a human and devoted moslem.
Journal before 30, begin.
