Step Back

There are many things I learned when I took a time off.

I am focusing on self-development where I just going with the flow with my own feelings

I write almost everyday about what I feel that day. I also try to revisit my old diaries. Its so much fun that you have different mindset. There are things that going better and worse but I tried to accept "me" the way I am. Full of black notes and colorful scribbles, made a beautiful complete picture of me

I really interested in topic of psychology nowadays. Maybe because I need to understand some of basic things about human and psychology books quite interesting. I read about stoic theories, mental illness, self love practice, and about love itself. I also joined a class about psychology of marriage and pre-marriage book. Other than that, I learn korean and join a master preparation class and group. That way I could give myself time to reflect and sorting out my problem one by one. 

That stoic book titled: Filosofi Teras, give a really good explanation to ignore some of the troublesome things related to the public pressures and problems. Social media gives us so much information. Overwhelming with that, sometimes I also get really insecure of how I live my life. But then, I realized that no one really pay attention of what we are doing unless we ask for help or attention. There are many things I held back doing because thinking of people's opinion. Just do what you want to do in a good way. If we have a really good intention, somehow we will be satisfied with our self 

I also tend to annoyed with a lot of things. I just could not really expressing it clearly. Most of my best friends said that I have a great patience with everything happened in my life, to the extent it might be harm my own self. I forgot to prioritize my needs instead of pleasing other people. I also seeking validation from other people while I set the wrong expectation about my capability. To ease that feelings I tend to blame my self because I think its easier for me to cope. I couldn't blame it to anyone but myself. However, it backfired to the condition that it's hard to forgive my ownself. 

I am sorry to that. I am really sorry. 

Some of books that I read while I'm in my hiatus told me really good advices. 

We can't control what other people think, instead we can control how we respond to that. 

We can't really control all conditions but we can work hard to prepare

We can plan all of our dreams but God knows us the best. Always. 

If we lost, its okay to stop for a while. Life sometimes need a pause. We can use that time to focus on our closest people. Taking care of them while we can do it. 

It's okay if our life seems not progressing (mostly because you compare it with others) but always try to contribute (even if its small or simple act) while we can. 

Try to be honest and express more of our feelings to really understand our own conditions. It might be a great ways to learn about ourself

I don't really agree with a statement "going with the flow" back then so I tend to plan all of things carefully. Now, I think to be a bit laid back but still holding on our life vision is a great ways to be grateful with our recent condition. 

Well, in the next post I really want to thank my closest people 

Thank you, thank you for always be there for the childish me

Dear Me in The Future

 Dear me in the future, 

Things will be chaotic. Right now, I still learn a lot about you. You in the future should achieve something valuable. I did not really care what it is, its okay even though its only simplest thing. The most important thing is you can learn a lot of things, bravely expressing lots of love. Do it until your heart satisfied. 

Dear me in the future, 

I really hope you can show your love as much a s possible. I also hope you get so much love from everyone who stay close to you. Never hesitant to give out your love even though you know it will never paid back. If your heart wants to, never think twice. Just do it~

Expressing love does not always means you will get romantic partner. I know your heart longing for one. Never expect something in return. The most important thing is to eventually meet someone who suit your vision. But never be pressure. Just do your best as human being. I hope a heart break does not stopping you from give and gets lots of love.

I hope you never taken aback. If you like it, show them. If you really care, do something. I hope you never regret for hide your feelings.

There are unimaginable things in the future that will lead you speechless. For now, in the middle of crisis, it is the best time to start to know yourself better. START is the key. Try to set priority on yourself first. 

Dear me in 5 years later,

In 2012, you set yourself the targets for 2017. Until that year, you can travelling to some part of the world by your own, present your works for people in the overseas, get scholarship (even though you have to skip that one), and started initiatives with people in needs. 

In 2021, I don't really write ambitious things for you to achieve in 2026. You wrote it all over the place that you want to start your master degree. I really really hope that if you can be better with all of these process, you deserve to achieve that. But God knows His creatures the best. If that did not happen, you will assign to other better scenario. Just focus on your big mission and eventually, you can learn much more that you imagine. I just hope that you never hesitate to love yourself, love your life, love your closest people and your Creator. Married or not, I just hope your life in the future full of love.

Off - Reset - Start

 When I want to restart my self, 

There are many things that I want to learn again from the basic. 

I redo my purpose of life, I read my old diaries, looked at old photos chronologically

I found myself in 2012 full of dreams and some of my wish lists accomplished in 2017 

Also, there are many things I did in the past that might become my future plan 

There are priorities that become so clear in my head. 

After shifting here and there, I think focus on my self, what I really want to contribute and protect my loved ones is my goal now.

I also learn again, things about self development, psychology, marriage and family.

Knowing that I am so clueless about many things, once again, I acknowledge myself as nobody. 

Its okay. I can learn again. I can find excitement again after a while for learning something new. 

Its okay, I am enjoying myself as a foolish and not knowing anything

Its okay, so that I can embrace my curiousity and not even worry about my past degree or position

Its really okay, so that I can find the inner layer of myself while not even care too much about people's opinion

In the end, out of all the people opinion, its me who decide and do it all 

Good night~

Sometimes I Want to Hug You Like Crazy

 

The two words, “What if” break down my heart today
We might be able to meet again as we smile, can’t we?

Listening to music, reading books, watching movies, meeting people
It’s funny but I get to think about things that I wasn’t able to before

You are not a person who hurts me
Inside the countless days, you are sparkling – I’m always thankful
It’s a story that no one else can understand but
But sometimes, there are times when I want to hug you like crazy
Only you can be a person like you
In this world that has no place for my heart

Sometimes I Want to Hug You Like Crazy

#0 Back to Zero (#JournalBefore30)

 Hello, this is me again

Now I am back to Ade Amelia - 

but who is Ade Amelia?

I have contemplated on my life during my 29 years old and I need readjusting. 

I am afraid to face myself in the next year because I have so many expectations about my self back then. 

However, I think I grow quite a lot. There are many things I have tried. Some of them are successful, lot of them are also dull moments. But I think my life will be quite boring if I led the life just always like the way I want. I need to going back and forth between my expectations and reality. 

As I thinking of my past, I think I was quite naive. I was living as model student who trapped in a specific system to be counted as successful. I study hard only to get specific number. Even though for some of the context its quite important, but I also forget some of the important thing. I forget to reflect on my self. I also easily saying yes to people's expectations. I hardly refuse and don't even know which one suit my personality. I am (hopefully was?) people pleaser. I really love to fulfilling people expectation about me. To the point I forget how to become my self, to defend my self and listen to my self. 

My diaries in the past years full of negative though. I even rarely write something here, because I wrote that on the black diary that I wish to close forever. I was afraid of conflicts, I was afraid of how people will look at me. I was afraid of my own image to the extent I need to pull of some act. All of my past actions are sincere but I think sometimes I confused myself with certain image. Yet, I haven't feels like my sincerity get enough appreciation. 

I still have some of those expectations. But right now, after I try to release my thoughts one by one, I feels like there are things that I want to re-learn all over again. I want to learn about my self all over again. I want to know what I love to do in my spare time. I want to know what makes me scared. I want to know what kind of people I love to be close with? I also eager to know what makes me motivated to do everything. I want to know what makes my heart beat of excitement. I want to know what makes my stomach full of butterflies. What kind of moment that makes my eyes sparkles. 

I never been this clueless about my self, 

yet all of this time I think I really know all about me?

I want to know more about my self. I want to know what makes Ade Amelia, her real self?

I know that might be a long life journey, 

but who knows, this kind of perspective makes my future expand to something that In never expect before. 

Surprise me, Ade Amelia.

Surprise me with all of your sincerity. 

I know you are hard-working and lovely person. Those combination will make the most of your life. Just don't be burdened by timeline and expectation. Just do what you think right as a human and devoted moslem. 

Journal before 30, begin.