Hello It's Me

Hello, it's me. 

Lately I really love to draw someone whom I admire. I imagine him in the cutest way, happily potray him and it gives me some spark of happiness. Have a lot of people loving you in a great manner, how good is that? 

That thoughts makes me wander how is it good to feel loved by many. How good is that if you have someone who loves you dearly? To the point they make you as a muse of their artwork. 

I have a dream, to be specific is to be drawn by other people whom I really close with or I love. I also want to receive flowers because I really love it. 

It's a foolish dream made by younger me. Waiting that to be happened, I think I can't wait anymore. 

People who are closest to me supposedly is myself. I just realized that by giving myself time to reflect, read and write. I don't have waiting for someone to give me happiness. I can do it right here, right now. I just need to imagine that myself is a really good person that I admire and I want to potray the best of it. 

Turned out this process is really makes me really good about myself. Is that why Frida Kahlo loves to paint her self image? Although the process a bit weird for me, I can do this in the end. I think in order to paint a good image of myself, I really endure my self-criticism. Sometimes I feel good about myself but when I remember unpleasant memories, I tend to holding back. Actually I tried to make self-paint several times, but I don't know why I don't really like the result and a lot of them just stopped in the middle of process.

It's hard to feel good about myself as I never have anyone told me openly that they like me. I questions everything as I get older. I never have anyone interest in me as romantic lover. I tried to look for the answer and of course trying hard to fit in the questionable standard. I am tired of that.

However, In the end I don't need anyone to validate my self-worth. I am enough. I am pretty good.

This energy also comes from my closest friends who are still single but tried to purchase themselves a really good house and beautiful rings without waiting anyone did it for them. 

I can also falling in love deeply with myself. 

She is really cool, love to help, also beautiful 

She is my greatest muse

I need to draw her more in the future