Hello It's Me

Hello, it's me. 

Lately I really love to draw someone whom I admire. I imagine him in the cutest way, happily potray him and it gives me some spark of happiness. Have a lot of people loving you in a great manner, how good is that? 

That thoughts makes me wander how is it good to feel loved by many. How good is that if you have someone who loves you dearly? To the point they make you as a muse of their artwork. 

I have a dream, to be specific is to be drawn by other people whom I really close with or I love. I also want to receive flowers because I really love it. 

It's a foolish dream made by younger me. Waiting that to be happened, I think I can't wait anymore. 

People who are closest to me supposedly is myself. I just realized that by giving myself time to reflect, read and write. I don't have waiting for someone to give me happiness. I can do it right here, right now. I just need to imagine that myself is a really good person that I admire and I want to potray the best of it. 

Turned out this process is really makes me really good about myself. Is that why Frida Kahlo loves to paint her self image? Although the process a bit weird for me, I can do this in the end. I think in order to paint a good image of myself, I really endure my self-criticism. Sometimes I feel good about myself but when I remember unpleasant memories, I tend to holding back. Actually I tried to make self-paint several times, but I don't know why I don't really like the result and a lot of them just stopped in the middle of process.

It's hard to feel good about myself as I never have anyone told me openly that they like me. I questions everything as I get older. I never have anyone interest in me as romantic lover. I tried to look for the answer and of course trying hard to fit in the questionable standard. I am tired of that.

However, In the end I don't need anyone to validate my self-worth. I am enough. I am pretty good.

This energy also comes from my closest friends who are still single but tried to purchase themselves a really good house and beautiful rings without waiting anyone did it for them. 

I can also falling in love deeply with myself. 

She is really cool, love to help, also beautiful 

She is my greatest muse

I need to draw her more in the future

💔

Cintaku bertepuk

Harap yang tak ada

Rintihan nada asmara
Ingin ku kembali ke masa remaja
Serasa Galih dan Ratna
Yang kumau kau untukku, meskipun kau tak rindu
Engkau aku suka

Cintaku bertepuk
Harap yang tak ada
Rintihan nada asmara
Kau kehidupanku, meski kau tak tau ada aku di hidupmu
Yang kumau kau untukku, meskipun kau tak rindu
Engkau aku suka

Mengapa sabda alam belum jua satukan kisah?
Kita bersama

C.H.R.I.S.Y.E

I am Afraid

 

Yes I am afraid of everything happened lately

Can we really go through there safely? 

I am praying for every soul to be healthy and happy

Really....

What If....

 Last night I have a really weird and vivid dream

I dream about my alternative life, somewhere

There are many scenes that I did not choose or almost happened in my life

Maybe if I imagine that, I can be someone different with my own self right now?

I imagine that I choose the other university that I also got accepted. Maybe I can be an independent girl who enjoy her life in that beautiful small town? Where I can speak Javanese fluently and exploring hidden gems around there... Maybe I choose to never go back to capital city ever again?

I imagine, what if I get the university acceptance letter before they announced that my scholarship granted for master degree? Maybe I can become one of those Chev alumni and become more confidence about my career? Maybe I have some int'l projects and working for global initiatives?

I imagine what if I told my feelings honestly, am I live a happy life together with him right now? Maybe I already married with someone and build my own small family? 

I imagine what if I act better with people, without ghosting them for years, could make me feel better about my self? 

I imagine what if I finish all of the things that I should did before I left... is that makes me feel good?

I imagine what if I being kind with my self... Maybe there are more skills, more activities and opportunities that I can get.. 

That dream honestly too good that its hurt.. made me think that...am I leading a wrong scenario?

Strangely I also feel so loved by many. In that dream my closest people and my partner also showering me with affectionate acts. Somehow feel unfamiliar yet so natural. 

There are things that I want to do but I was too busy thinking about people opinion

There are things that I want to finish but I always think that I am not capable enough

There are things that I want to execute but I just so scared about wasting my time

Why am I doing this as if my life right now is not good enough?

Can I leave this thoughts and moving on with my future path?

Step Back

There are many things I learned when I took a time off.

I am focusing on self-development where I just going with the flow with my own feelings

I write almost everyday about what I feel that day. I also try to revisit my old diaries. Its so much fun that you have different mindset. There are things that going better and worse but I tried to accept "me" the way I am. Full of black notes and colorful scribbles, made a beautiful complete picture of me

I really interested in topic of psychology nowadays. Maybe because I need to understand some of basic things about human and psychology books quite interesting. I read about stoic theories, mental illness, self love practice, and about love itself. I also joined a class about psychology of marriage and pre-marriage book. Other than that, I learn korean and join a master preparation class and group. That way I could give myself time to reflect and sorting out my problem one by one. 

That stoic book titled: Filosofi Teras, give a really good explanation to ignore some of the troublesome things related to the public pressures and problems. Social media gives us so much information. Overwhelming with that, sometimes I also get really insecure of how I live my life. But then, I realized that no one really pay attention of what we are doing unless we ask for help or attention. There are many things I held back doing because thinking of people's opinion. Just do what you want to do in a good way. If we have a really good intention, somehow we will be satisfied with our self 

I also tend to annoyed with a lot of things. I just could not really expressing it clearly. Most of my best friends said that I have a great patience with everything happened in my life, to the extent it might be harm my own self. I forgot to prioritize my needs instead of pleasing other people. I also seeking validation from other people while I set the wrong expectation about my capability. To ease that feelings I tend to blame my self because I think its easier for me to cope. I couldn't blame it to anyone but myself. However, it backfired to the condition that it's hard to forgive my ownself. 

I am sorry to that. I am really sorry. 

Some of books that I read while I'm in my hiatus told me really good advices. 

We can't control what other people think, instead we can control how we respond to that. 

We can't really control all conditions but we can work hard to prepare

We can plan all of our dreams but God knows us the best. Always. 

If we lost, its okay to stop for a while. Life sometimes need a pause. We can use that time to focus on our closest people. Taking care of them while we can do it. 

It's okay if our life seems not progressing (mostly because you compare it with others) but always try to contribute (even if its small or simple act) while we can. 

Try to be honest and express more of our feelings to really understand our own conditions. It might be a great ways to learn about ourself

I don't really agree with a statement "going with the flow" back then so I tend to plan all of things carefully. Now, I think to be a bit laid back but still holding on our life vision is a great ways to be grateful with our recent condition. 

Well, in the next post I really want to thank my closest people 

Thank you, thank you for always be there for the childish me

Dear Me in The Future

 Dear me in the future, 

Things will be chaotic. Right now, I still learn a lot about you. You in the future should achieve something valuable. I did not really care what it is, its okay even though its only simplest thing. The most important thing is you can learn a lot of things, bravely expressing lots of love. Do it until your heart satisfied. 

Dear me in the future, 

I really hope you can show your love as much a s possible. I also hope you get so much love from everyone who stay close to you. Never hesitant to give out your love even though you know it will never paid back. If your heart wants to, never think twice. Just do it~

Expressing love does not always means you will get romantic partner. I know your heart longing for one. Never expect something in return. The most important thing is to eventually meet someone who suit your vision. But never be pressure. Just do your best as human being. I hope a heart break does not stopping you from give and gets lots of love.

I hope you never taken aback. If you like it, show them. If you really care, do something. I hope you never regret for hide your feelings.

There are unimaginable things in the future that will lead you speechless. For now, in the middle of crisis, it is the best time to start to know yourself better. START is the key. Try to set priority on yourself first. 

Dear me in 5 years later,

In 2012, you set yourself the targets for 2017. Until that year, you can travelling to some part of the world by your own, present your works for people in the overseas, get scholarship (even though you have to skip that one), and started initiatives with people in needs. 

In 2021, I don't really write ambitious things for you to achieve in 2026. You wrote it all over the place that you want to start your master degree. I really really hope that if you can be better with all of these process, you deserve to achieve that. But God knows His creatures the best. If that did not happen, you will assign to other better scenario. Just focus on your big mission and eventually, you can learn much more that you imagine. I just hope that you never hesitate to love yourself, love your life, love your closest people and your Creator. Married or not, I just hope your life in the future full of love.

Off - Reset - Start

 When I want to restart my self, 

There are many things that I want to learn again from the basic. 

I redo my purpose of life, I read my old diaries, looked at old photos chronologically

I found myself in 2012 full of dreams and some of my wish lists accomplished in 2017 

Also, there are many things I did in the past that might become my future plan 

There are priorities that become so clear in my head. 

After shifting here and there, I think focus on my self, what I really want to contribute and protect my loved ones is my goal now.

I also learn again, things about self development, psychology, marriage and family.

Knowing that I am so clueless about many things, once again, I acknowledge myself as nobody. 

Its okay. I can learn again. I can find excitement again after a while for learning something new. 

Its okay, I am enjoying myself as a foolish and not knowing anything

Its okay, so that I can embrace my curiousity and not even worry about my past degree or position

Its really okay, so that I can find the inner layer of myself while not even care too much about people's opinion

In the end, out of all the people opinion, its me who decide and do it all 

Good night~